Last night my daughter played with a magazine which contains my journalistic writings way back in College. I come across with this literary write up I made long before... Oscar and I were laughing while reading this.
Sense of Unreality: from my diary of emotions
by: bernadette Aquino)
It was then a frigid November... In the pearly grey light of afternoom, everything seemed to assume a different facet. The foliage on the vines and acacia trees hung floppily, even the birds had no strength to sing in the heavy sticky air. The silence was broken with a inquisitive weep of a girl immersed with tears as she was staring nowhere...
He looks at me with passionate emotions. I come across at him and endure staring nowhere with wide-open eyes, while wiping those tears that had fallen from my eyes. A fierce smile was my reply and voiced out... "I understand..." and I destined it.
" It had to be that..." He blurted out finally.
The flap to the delightful realm of ours was closing ceaselessly. For all its tender woes and all the primordial way of thinking, it evoked in both of us. We both kenw that it was the last spilt second of its sort we would ever share.
One minute it became us, think we're in high spirits, we both have each other for quite a moment now or two, and the next minute, it was moved out, and we don't know what beat us.
I promised myself, I would never go down and love. But I never grasp that I would smash that promise as quickly as I made it. I fell in love with him...
We met during my sophomore year. I was busy then with someone else, but fate brought us closer over time. My friends would warn me of what I was getting myself into, but you know how it is when you are blinded by love. I gave in to my feeling after sometime, and everything went smoothly.
I could still bring to mind the promises we had made. The imaginings we've both dreamed of, those engaging modest stuffs we've shared. The old drama we've planned --- to pretend that we let our love down... When he took me to a cathedral where I've never been before , for the first instance as we steeped on, he held my hand tightly... A firm clutch I coudn't make sense of delineating that I got nothing to fear. Yes, everything went on gently... But now, it was just a memory worth keeping. It was simply a beautiful tale of love and friendship.
He's the first guy I'd ever loved. It was a shock when he told me one night that he had to leave. I felt so small, I felt so betrayed, why I didn't see it coming?...
"Now I'm letting you go..." was all I recount from what he'd disclosed. "I'm giving up..."
From that, I knew as I looked at him that I would forever remember that moment, with the moonlight streaming across his mug. I felt as though in a solitary hours of darkness I had lost not only him, but all my illusions...
To be honest everytime we would see each other in school, it was hard. He looks like he always did. When I see him, and part of me thinks we're still one, and precisely we are. It's so weird, and so hard to be aware of that he's not part of my life anymore. It was probably hard for him too. But this is what he wants. He made it plain again. I don't know what happened. I wish I did. How I wish I knew where I went wrong, where I failed, what I did or I didn't do... I must have done something. You just don't wake up one day and leave, or maybe you do. I don't know... I don't think I'll ever understand it or get over it!
Yes it's true... Our life is dead, like an aged tree that needs to be chopped along before it falls over and kills someone and the person who's apt to kill right now is ... me.
The moment it ended... devoid of any grounds... but it never nashes my teeth... I didn't feel anything except dread, as though I knew something awful had happened and I coudn't remember what. But i know, at the interior of me, I knew. Every twine of my being knew that I had lost the only guuy I'd ever loved. The world I had known and loved for has just ended. And all I wanted was to die with it. I was on my own now forever...
The panorama of all of it was so enormous as to be beyond understanding. The reality of it was upsetting. It was a remember to each of us that no one was off the hook from lightning striking when you least expected. No one could ever know what would happen...and just when you thought you could coast forever and you're out of harm's way you discovered that you weren't.
Mayber those moan of dejections that I shed for him was just a shell of memory that I have to leave in the wake of... I fell in love, so that I will learn, I got hurt so that I will become strong, and I cried so that I can let go and he taught me how to love and find my place in the life of someone who will love me that way I had loved.
"I have to go, take care of yourself..." he said solemly. " I mean really take care. You look appalingly thin."
I didn't know how to answer him, I just looked at him, nodded, and looked away so he woudn't see the tears in my eyes. " Thanks for letting me be here today."
" I'm gonna miss you..." I cried. I felt as though I had been gunned down in a drive-by-assasination. My knees were trembling...tears ran down. We look at each other for a longtime. So many memories we had shared were irrelevant now like old clothing left to go to wrack and ruin quietly in a garret. The garret of our hearts, and the union we had destroyed. I felt as though my complete life had been deposited in a dumpster like so much debris. All things that had once been treasured and loved and belonged to someone, and now had no dweelling. And I along with it, tossed out, forgotten, unloved. It was a depressing notion. I had to make my own now, and adjust to the realities of my life. The truth was that I was alone, and would reside that way.
I cried when I wrote him a note of thanks, " THANK YOU FOR THE MEMORIES...I STILL LOVE YOU..." There was no way to conceal from it anymore. I was totally alone and I thought my heart would break as I handed him the note that day, it was fruitless. And as I drifted of to sleep in bed, I felt desolation swallowed me until I felt as though I were about to go underneath.
It was still hard to suppose sometimes that I'd survived. At night alone in my cradle, it seems as though everyone I had loved was gone...
This happens to people, Things change. Live go in unsual directions, people give up the ghost of love, and got broken and fall out of it... It just happens... The unseen, concealed love we have known for was over. We both now have our new lives. I didn't exist anymore, as far as he was concerned. He had blown everything we ever had in a solitary rage. And as I drifted off to sleep, I told myself I didn't care anymore, about him, or anything. All I wanted was to forget I had ever loved him and go to sleep. It was a new life, a new day! And for me, wether I wanted it that way or not, it was going to be a new life, too...
I never hnow how love is going to stride into my life, or if...and when it did, I don't know what face it's going to wear. But in some ways, for both of us... " I'm glad it was him! "
PS. dis is 4 u. u know hu u r. OL3
And as Oscar was reading it, all the teasing went on last night! :)
